life sux

I am having the worst stretch of bad luck. I know I should count myself lucky to be living in the greatest country on earth (although it is clearly full of religious rednecks and stupid bigots) with a stable job and a strong mind, but sometimes it just sucks to be me.

I applied for a job in my department that would have paid more and gotten me off these support phones – I didn’t get it but I was in the top three. That’s the third job I’ve not gotten in this department so I don’t think I’ll ever apply for another job here. It’s depressing to think that "You’re good enough to slog away in our trenches for four years, but you’re not good enough to hobnob with the fancy pants and make any money. Oh, but keep doing all of this extra work for free, Thank You."

Harry Knowles has a 24 hour film festival for his birthday every year, the Butt-Numb-A-Thon, and you have to jump thru hoops to get in. He always has fantastic guests, sneak previews, movie swag and surprises during BNAT, so I hate to miss attending this event. The first year he held this fest was almost a ‘friends and family’ thing that sold out but wasn’t well known. Vin Diesel brought “Pitch Black” before anyone ever heard of him, so I knew I had to be at the next one. For BNAT2 I stood in line for an hour and I was maybe the 20th person in line, but since he had not capped the number of tickets per person, I was put on stand-by and eventually got in to the event with great seats. The next year, BNAT3, I waited in line for 8 hours and was maybe #120 on the waiting list so I didn’t get a ticket. For BNAT4 we had to attend a 15 hour horror film festival in costume and then we were granted tickets by lottery. We were standing in a misty rain on a muddy field half drunk, exhausted and in costume as the sun rose, franticly praying that our number would be called – we got in. I say we, because by this time I had convinced Tami to attend with me. BNAT5 required that we send in photos and a brief resume that were put together yearbook style and printed out for the attendees – we got in and even went to a kick-ass pre-party. We thought we were golden this year. Tami, Jill (I’d converted her and Trevor and Julian by now) and I worked a huge “Camp Hacknslash” event that Harry put on with Tim & Karrie and we thought that was the clincher. I was even thinking of losing some weight just to be more comfortable in the seat! I put together another great entry (he wanted to do the yearbook again) and we were rejected. Granted, Harry had @9800 people apply for 240 seats, so a lot of us were rejected, but this one hurt. I actively recruited friends and told them how great it was and how they would be sorry if they missed it, blah blah blah. And now we don’t get to go. No one cares as much as I do, I almost cried at work the next day. I’ve missed so many great Alamo events this year and this is the granddaddy of them all, so I was counting on this one. Now I want to cry again.

I have nothing new or original to say about the election. We had a group of maybe 25 people out at the Jackalope to watch the returns, and we stayed there until 2:45 am. I don’t think I really expected to see Kerry win, I figured Bush would steal it even if he lost the popular vote. I don’t really think Kerry could have done much with a Republican Congress, so it’s not like I believed his promises either. And I live in Texas, the biggest boldest central red thing going in the lower 48. The thing that disappoints and saddens me is the fact that this bumbling, lying, born-again, redneck is actually the popular choice! He’s like your cheating alcoholic boyfriend that steals money from your purse and when you catch him lying about it, he giggles and says something stupid. This is who most people actually choose to represent them?!? This is the figurehead of our nation?!? Well, if the populous is naive enough to re-elect this piece of work, then I guess he’s the perfect face of our nation. How embarrassing. I guess Schwarzenegger should be President. He’s closer to the middle than Bush. At least he can speak English as well as George.

The last three weekends in a row I’ve spent in my computer chair watching TV and surfing the net. I’ve not left the house for anything. not to take out the trash or check the mail, not to eat lunch out or see a movie, no nothing. I didn’t even try to think of a Halloween costume and that is traditionally my favorite holiday! I was invited to several parties and Chad’s band even played on Saturday night, so I would have had plenty of Lake Jackson friends there. Matt & Jennie were even in town, but I haven’t even listened to the message they left on my phone last Saturday. I still owe them $40 so I hope they don’t think I was just avoiding them. I missed Stacy’s birthday and Mecca’s bon voyage too. Why? Too fat, too lazy and too sad to leave the house.

I don’t even know why I get out of be some mornings, so I just call in sick to work. My house is a mess, I’ve gained 20 pounds, I keep showing up to work late even though I leave almost on time but I stay as late as 7:30 sometimes by myself, my clothes are getting ratty and I’m too fat to find any clothes, I’m trying to buy a house so I’m saving money and not going out (so I spend a lot more time alone in the dark in my underwear), I’ve missed every Alamo Rolling Roadshow this summer, the last guy I loved has hooked up with a great girl, I’ve had a mystery rash for 6 weeks that I just don’t bother to see a doctor about, I’m so depressed that I haven’t answered my phone for 7 days, my hair is thinning, my wallet & purse & shoes are all about to break any second, I never made it to Vegas this year (I’ve never been and I swore this was the year), I drink every day and now my first pet fish is dying.

This list makes me even sadder. It’s so pathetic. These things are so minor compared to people that really have problems, but I’m no less depressed. I wear my “Livestrong” bracelet every day (I have one hanging from my work ID too, so sometimes I’m wearing two!), and I know that there are people close to me that suffer terrible physical pain every day. I have food, shelter, family and friends, and I live downtown in a great city. I guess this is just the beginning of my holiday malaise.